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Starting a story and I need some opinions (and text correction)
- Thread starter Gabonezu
- Start date
Mr.Anderson
Knight
- Xy$
- 0.00
Oh i like this intro (i guess it is an Intro). Something new that i haven't seen before. I like your way of writing too :D There are a few Grammer/Writing mistakes but that's ok. Just paste it into Microsoft Word and it'll show you where you have them. I'd love to see how the Story continues. Keep up the good work :)
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Thank you very much, I've sent you a copy in Microsoft Word.
Is this for an RPG Maker game?
This looks like a game opening script, rather than a story.
RPG Maker is not suitable for lengthy dialogue, unless you're willing to add lots of animations and camera movements and to avoid repeating animations and awkward pauses.
As for your content; apples actually float in water, they do not sink. If the player hears this line from your character they will think your character is ignorant about basic knowledge of the outside world, perhaps this is something you want the player to think, but be aware of this. If you make your character too much of an idiot it would frustrate the player to no end.
Any back-and-forth in a text-based RPG game can be removed, for example;
"Mala sunt facile oleum" - in Latin this translates roughly (bad Latin grammar) to "bad are easy oil", is this really what you meant?
With the way you're writing this script (with every other line being the next character), how would you have 3 characters talking?
Also, consider adding moments of player-control. If this is an introduction to your game, it's a good opportunity to let the player familiarise themselves with the game's systems. One cool example would be letting the player judge if a floating apple can be stood on by giving them control of movement and having them decide if it is poppycock (walk away and decide in dialogue) or magic (step onto the apple). This does go against the story you've created, but consider this kind of interaction.
This looks like a game opening script, rather than a story.
RPG Maker is not suitable for lengthy dialogue, unless you're willing to add lots of animations and camera movements and to avoid repeating animations and awkward pauses.
As for your content; apples actually float in water, they do not sink. If the player hears this line from your character they will think your character is ignorant about basic knowledge of the outside world, perhaps this is something you want the player to think, but be aware of this. If you make your character too much of an idiot it would frustrate the player to no end.
Any back-and-forth in a text-based RPG game can be removed, for example;
- "What? How is this possible?"
- "Try it!"
- "Try what?"
- "Here, step onto the apples!"
- "No, I will drown!"
- "C'mon [...] listen to your king."
- "Oh yeah [...] Good-bye!"
- "Oh, so that's the case..."
- "What? How is this possible?"
- "Try it for yourself. Here, step onto the first apple."
- "This is ridiculous. I am leaving now, good-bye!"
"Mala sunt facile oleum" - in Latin this translates roughly (bad Latin grammar) to "bad are easy oil", is this really what you meant?
With the way you're writing this script (with every other line being the next character), how would you have 3 characters talking?
Also, consider adding moments of player-control. If this is an introduction to your game, it's a good opportunity to let the player familiarise themselves with the game's systems. One cool example would be letting the player judge if a floating apple can be stood on by giving them control of movement and having them decide if it is poppycock (walk away and decide in dialogue) or magic (step onto the apple). This does go against the story you've created, but consider this kind of interaction.
You've spent a lot of time and energy in opening a scene, but you may find additional opportunities to progress your story in a fluid manner by avoiding first-person pronouns ("you") and using fewer words to describe the same things.
For example, you wrote "mere simple poor soul." You mean "commoner."
Another, "You say 'Goodbye' he vanishes leaving a bag of gold."
Consider here that you're switched both tense and character. If this is actual dialog and text to appear on screen, you'll confuse your audience immediately. if this is just notes or a script you're building to build from, then you risk confusing yourself and implementing the same errors and points of confusion within the product.
I understand that "you" the character are having a story relayed about a past event and in this example it is the narrator attempting to explain what and how the character become entrenched in their situation- an audience within an audience. However you seem to lose sight of the layer in which the character exists within the narration by a third person.I would only use this method of story telling if you're setting a stage for "the unreliable narrator." If you're going to unreliable narrator, you'll find a terrific example in Cormac McCarthy's No Country for Old Men.
With that, what are you attempting to accomplish and what is the setting you're placing the character?
For example, you wrote "mere simple poor soul." You mean "commoner."
Another, "You say 'Goodbye' he vanishes leaving a bag of gold."
Consider here that you're switched both tense and character. If this is actual dialog and text to appear on screen, you'll confuse your audience immediately. if this is just notes or a script you're building to build from, then you risk confusing yourself and implementing the same errors and points of confusion within the product.
I understand that "you" the character are having a story relayed about a past event and in this example it is the narrator attempting to explain what and how the character become entrenched in their situation- an audience within an audience. However you seem to lose sight of the layer in which the character exists within the narration by a third person.I would only use this method of story telling if you're setting a stage for "the unreliable narrator." If you're going to unreliable narrator, you'll find a terrific example in Cormac McCarthy's No Country for Old Men.
With that, what are you attempting to accomplish and what is the setting you're placing the character?
Senou_Tetsuka
Villager
- Xy$
- 0.00
well that realism for ya, but I like the apples much more though
Apples do sound much more whimsical. While they do float, the idea of crossing a body of water using them is pretty absurd unless you just have an underwater mountain of apples. I bet it'd make a great like...parable or in game lore stuff. Either way, plenty to work with <u<
PikaPikaGamer
Towns Guard
- Xy$
- 0.00
TBH It looks a lot more like a script for a play than an RMV Game but I still like it I can't wait to see how this comes out
Updated and finished the first chapter : http://mondrazarn.blogspot.com/2017/03/mondrazarn-i-people-of-kaar-chapter.html