please give opinion on this style

[Wize1]

I just wrote this and I would like your feedback and opinion. Any thought is welcome. Criticism also.

There once was a poor boy who was sad. He walked the streets of town, kicking rocks and watching the people. He only had his grandmother. She loved him, but had nothing else to give him. No money, no clothes, and only a little food.

There was a princess, too. But, she was not like the other princesses of the land.
She was kind. Her father did not approve of her kindness. She hid often, admiring the flowers and the bugs.

"You are a princess. You must be strong. You cannot show that you are nice, or the people will not believe in you!"

The poor boy also was kind. He found a golden coin while walking down the street near the castle.
"This golden coin would buy me shoes!"
"but... this is not my coin. Who's coin is this?"

A mean, ugly figure appeared.
"Hey boy, give me that coin!"

The boy's eyes widened. He looked down at the coin in his head. The ugly creature approached him slowly reaching out to grab the coin.

"No! This doesn't belong to you!"

The boy started running down the street. The towns people saw the boy running and it made them nervous.

MY THOUGHTS:

Notice "a mean ugly figure". Had I said "a figure appeared, "give me that coin". His reaction would not have been the same perhaps. You could imagine that the figure is the owner of the coin. While you assume the "mean ugly" creature is not the owner.

What do you think of the style of this writing? Does it remind you of anything?

Also, I introduce parts of the story with no preface. It is almost like they come out of thin air with no introduction. For example "There was a princess, too". Why would it be necessary to introduce that? Will this introduction of the princess is creating a suspenseful feeling? Are the boy and the princess going to meet? When? How?

The coin. Does it have any significance to the story?

The attraction. Do you want MORE of the story?

The creature. Is it human? There is no description. The creature remains a mystery.

The boy finding the coin is obviously prominent. He's poor. He found a coin. However, he does not celebrate that he will buy something. Despite being poor, his spirit is still rich and it dominates his character. This is something readers will be able to relate to, because they are also good people.

 

[Jiriki9]

Well, in between writing something for work which should be ready...well, best yesterday...my SHORT thoughts.
The writing style reminds me of...fairy tales. Or rather...I imagine it spoken. Told by a storyteller. But not totally, because it is not ornamented enough for this. Maybe rather a father or grandmother making up a story for the young ones. What is different here, though, is such a QUICK opening and then dropping of a second storyline. (Actually THAT reminds me of G.R.R.Martin, though the scale is different :P)

The questions you give also came to my mind of course. Though it seemed OBVIOUS to me that the coin is of some importance. Feels like an enmity building between boy and ugly creature.
One point I disagree is the "can relate to because of being good". If I had near no money and found a possibly worthy coin I think I would better my life with it. And that of loved ones, if possible. I might feel a hinge of guilt, but I would do it nonetheless. I think you can relate to the boy immediately because he obviously is the protagonist AND because he is kind and, wether you are kind yourself or not, you usually feel comfortable around kind people. I do, at least. They are not like to be mean to you in any way.

A further question poppn up in my mind while reading is that seemingly "kind princess" seems something unthinkable, almost an antithesis, in your setting. Which is interesting because in my mind those fit together well. Thus, I got immediately interested in why princesses cannot be kind in your world and how the society is built up.

And the attraction...actually I'd like more, yes ;)

 

[Wize1]

Thank you! And yes, I did write it to have a spoken fairy tale theme. Nice thinking!

Kind princess. Hm. I think it's because my idea of a princess is stuck up, stubborn, selfish royal member who might say "Ew, you're poor. Get away from me."

Regarding what I said about being "good" -- if two poor boys found a coin, it is likely that they would quarrel over it. However a big hearted person might say no, I want you to have it.

 

[Jiriki9]

For the Kind princess. Well, yes, the type certainly is cliche. But I think there is another stereotypical princess - maybe the old-fashioned disnesy-princess: kind, loves animals, usually has some not-so-good relatives...

For the goodness. Certainly. Though I doubt you'll find much of that if they're in a state of true hunger and need. Otherwise put: sadly, the street is not a place, usually, to encourage big-heartedness. However, as what you wrote is fairy-taleish, reality need not come into it at all.

 

[Senou_Tetsuka]

Good writing, Most of all is the fairy tale-ish way the story goes.
but most readers could demand more of the characters Back Story, Lore or Whys.
for example: that "ugly-mean-figure" Could wear a Cloak-like uniform that make him look intimidating because he is an intimidating person, or this Princess has more Ideal Emotions.
ow I just tought another Fan-fic (:p
the important thing is, from the start to finish, more and more things about each characters are revealing, especially at the beginning.
for me this could be the same as the "Rapunzel" or "Big Hero 6" kind of Style

over all nice work!