In a Dark Place

[jamal.a.williams90]

This may be a little inappropriate to post here but i really felt like i needed to get this out somewhere . I'm not in a very good place at the moment and i just feel like giving up on life entirely because I've tried so hard to fit into the real world and the online world that i now just feel like i don't fit in anywhere in the world anymore. i feel unwanted, worthless and forgotten about at times.



I even feel as though no one will ever like what i have to offer i just have stories i write that others won't want to read, art that others won't want to see, rpg maker games that others won't want to play and the only person i can blame is myself because i fear rejection so much that i won't take risks or make effort anymore to help myself i actually feel as though i would be better off alone or worse dead but the only thing that's stopping me from self-harming is the fact that my mum has PTSD and other mental health problems and gets very emotional sometimes because of what happened to my brother years ago.



I find it so frustrating that other people seem to be so much better than me at putting themselves out there and gaining respect from others because for me that doesn't happen at all i ever get is criticized, made fun of, dismissed, overshadowed and treated like I'm an outsider. It makes me feel almost inferior to everyone else in the world. I hope that everyone here can find it in their hearts to understand what i am going through at the moment i don't mean to pollute this forum with negativity i just needed to get this all out.

 

[MinisterJay]

It is better to express yourself, instead of keeping it all in. I am not just saying that because I am an ordained minister, and has a degree in Psychology. When I was a teen, I wrote poetry, and one time a teacher saw one of my works. It was about liking the dark. I was attending a parochial school, so they read into it, things that were not there. I liked darkness because my eyes were sensitive to bright light, not because I fathomed about evil or death.

What kind of writings do you do?
What kind of games do you desire to make?

MJ

 

[Lore]

As @MinisterJay said, it is better to get it out rather than to keep everything bottled up. In addition, for you to come out and tell us that you're in this place says much about your character. :)

I'm not a psychologist. I'm not going to try and understand what you are going through. All I can do is give you my story and hopefully, some of the methods I've used over the years can help you, or at least give you some ideas as to how to create your own methods.

Not many know that I am autistic. I was diagnosed in my early teens, and it wasn't easy for me to make friends or fit in and I ended up in a very bad place. It took me years to recover from that frame of mind, and I'm still not 100% better. I still end up in that place every so often.

Throughout this time, and even now, I've had the same thoughts as you have. That I'm not good enough. That my work is not good enough. That I don't make any real or useful contribution to my team, my life or society. At some point, I think, everyone goes through this. It's not uncommon.

Over the years though, I've made friends. I've tried to improve myself. Sometimes my methods work, sometimes they don't. Again though, as @MinisterJay said, find a method that allows you to express yourself. There are no negative emotions; emotions are only positive or negative because of the labels we ourselves assign to them. One method I've found works for me is that, if I get a negative comment or feeling, I take it as a critique on how to improve myself or my work.

Always remember though, there are communities that will support you, and given what I've seen in the short time I've been here, this is one of them. We're all here to help each other - to boost our morale, to boost each others self esteem, and to support one another through the rough times that everyone goes through.

You're not alone. And as long as you are a part of this community, you never will be. :)

 

[SalmonWine]

Look at what everyone else has done, those people that have made great games that you mention. How many of those do you think they expected to get big?I'd guess about 1%. They never made the games to be big, they made it for themselves, and that's how great games come about.

Life gets hard and grueling, things may feel unfair, but sometimes all that you need is to do things from a new perspective.

I want you to start over. Make a new game. Write out a story. Make a game that YOU want to play. Who gives a fuck if everyone else wants to play it, make something that you can have fun going through. Work on it, a little bit at a time. One day database, the next mapping, etc. etc. You'll start to find it being an incredible catharsis,. Every time you feel down, and alone, sit down and go to the forums. Make posts about game ideas, scripts, art, etc. When you need to express yourself, start a blog and let it all out. Then, again, do a little bit more on your game.

Eventually, you will have a game. You will look on it and think of all the work you put into it and I want you to be proud of it. Every bad thing that has happened, you put into a work of art that you can enjoy, and maybe others will as well

I'm truly sorry you have so much in your life, its hard to deal with and you dont deserve it. I'm a schizophrenic, believe me, hard times are not a stranger in my eyes. All i can do is tell you that bad thoughts arent worth the time and effort it needs to think them, put them into an art and make your catharsis.

Message me any time you want to talk, please. And i'd love to play whatever work you put together, and if you ever need help with music or writing or anything, let me know.

Wishing you best, man

 

[Lore]

Look at what everyone else has done, those people that have made great games that you mention. How many of those do you think they expected to get big?I'd guess about 1%. They never made the games to be big, they made it for themselves, and that's how great games come about.

Life gets hard and grueling, things may feel unfair, but sometimes all that you need is to do things from a new perspective.

I want you to start over. Make a new game. Write out a story. Make a game that YOU want to play. Who gives a fuck if everyone else wants to play it, make something that you can have fun going through. Work on it, a little bit at a time. One day database, the next mapping, etc. etc. You'll start to find it being an incredible catharsis,. Every time you feel down, and alone, sit down and go to the forums. Make posts about game ideas, scripts, art, etc. When you need to express yourself, start a blog and let it all out. Then, again, do a little bit more on your game.

Eventually, you will have a game. You will look on it and think of all the work you put into it and I want you to be proud of it. Every bad thing that has happened, you put into a work of art that you can enjoy, and maybe others will as well

I'm truly sorry you have so much in your life, its hard to deal with and you dont deserve it. I'm a schizophrenic, believe me, hard times are not a stranger in my eyes. All i can do is tell you that bad thoughts arent worth the time and effort it needs to think them, put them into an art and make your catharsis.

Message me any time you want to talk, please. And i'd love to play whatever work you put together, and if you ever need help with music or writing or anything, let me know.

Wishing you best, man

@EonTripleX adds stuff that I meant to mention also. Feel free to message me too. Eon and I work on the same game development team, and we are more than happy to be an ear to listen, or a shoulder to cry on should you need it. Also feel free to vent to us. Sometimes that's all it takes to help you get back in control of what can seem like a never-ending downwards spiral.

 

[Juneberry]

You sound as though you feel weak along with it all, but you're a strong person, Jamal. Just coming out with this is a great step (according to all my years of being in therapy- that's a lot of years). The fact that you've been able to hold on for your mother shows you have a kind heart and are stronger than you realize.

I went to a specialized school for students with special psychiatric needs. I've seen plenty of people struggling and not being able to hold back. I've also been hospitalized once myself, and met even more people in terrifying states (though not all of them were in bad shape, and I was no different in reality). Finding people who can relate to you is difficult, but not impossible. I hope you'll let your heart speak to us again, and that we can help you feel more positive- both about yourself and the things you love to do. :)

I'm another one always happy to be messaged, by the by. :D

 

[Companion Wulf]

I'm with what everyone else here has said in response. Maybe it'll help you in some way. If you want to message me as well, feel free to. :)

I'd like to contribute my own thoughts through experience. I'm almost 50 now (somewhere in my late 40s; it doesn't really matter). Most of my life I've never felt as though I fit in, never belonging, always wanting to be someone else and somewhere else. Bullied in school, never believed, never supported, never thinking I'm good enough. I didn't have the luxuries of self-confidence or being able to confide in someone I truly trusted. It was all bottled in.

But, you know what? None of that mattered. Because the things I enjoyed doing - and still do - are what kept me going. Sometimes, I pursued them in secret. No one knew about my writings. People are people, and they will continue doing what they do, sometimes irrespective of others' feelings and how it makes them feel. People are people. People are broken. Maybe we all are in some fashion or another.

My only real outlet, my only real friend if you like, is writing. It's something I'm good at, have always been good at, and enables me to express those feelings freely, without fear of judgement. I'm not the most confident of people, even now. Self-confidence flew away a long time ago (because of a series of events and knock-downs that led to its flight) and it hasn't returned. So, to be able to push beyond the feelings of not being good enough, not being accepted, and worried what other people think, is very difficult.

But sometimes that's exactly what you must do for yourself. Easier said than done, I know. I'm lucky in the sense that I've found someone who "gets" me, inside and out. She's my rock. She once told me: "Pursue your dreams for YOU. After all, they're YOUR dreams. Not mine, not anyone else's." She's been onto me for ages about putting my creativity and writing out there for all to see, instead of just niching them for a few to see. It took awhile, and a lot of rejection, but it's paid off.

I'm finally utilising my YouTube channel, putting tutorials (and planning for other things too). It's reaching a wider audience. And am finally writing again, even to the point of being commissioned to write - call it my second job. Bit by bit, that self-confidence is returning, and it doesn't matter what people think any more.

My other half is a woman of deep wisdom and insight. I'll leave you with something to ponder, something she says: "If your backyard is perfect, you have the right to criticize others' backyards. If it's not, sort your own out first, but it'll never be perfect in everyone's eyes, so nobody's will be perfect, so nobody can be critical."

 

[jamal.a.williams90]

Hey Guys, sorry for being so ignorant and not replying but i've not had chance to get around reading all of your responses due to really bad sleeping patterns i've been having lately thank you so much for your kind words and understanding in what seems to be the most difficult time of my adult life.

 

[FANGirl]

Make a game that YOU want to play.

This, to me, is always the best advice to game developers. It is vital to making a good game. It really is.

The moment you stop caring what anyone else thinks so critically, is the moment you'll become happy. And it seems you'll always have a family of friends here regardless your struggles. :3 I have my fair share of issues too, but I have always been a positive person even in the face of dread, so I cannot exactly relate.

The closest I've gotten to a loss of will to live is when my disability struck me hard, rendering me near bedbound for upwards of 5 1/2 years, and still mostly to this day...........But you know what? I'm still here. We have the ability to shape our future into whatever we want. Remember you have that power, and nobody can take it away. Not haters or lovers~ YOU ARE AN EMPOWERED AND VALIDATED INDIVIDUAL! So get out there and make it work baby. Be your own star and then everyone will want to come see what's shining.

 

[Harmless]

I know how you feel, man. Needing to be the strong pillar when you're the one not doing too good. I think anyone who has ever accomplished anything has felt like they're creating in the dark with no one to listen to them. EonTripleX is right. Make games for yourself. Make games cause you like making them. Not to make a huge professional project, but just as small simple silly projects that help and train you lowly.