Story and Characters Ideas

[Chibae]

Yep Exactly :P

 

[TheMysticWyvern]

Those are a lot of characters. Since you listed Elise first, does that mean that she's the protagonist of your game? If so, then I have a suggestion. Basically, you've mentioned that she's "plagued" by the wars that have happened in the past. When I think of somebody who's plagued, I think of somebody suffering from grief or post-traumatic stress disorder. In this case, I think it would be neat to portray her as somebody who's lost their mind a little, and has gone insane. Not so insane that she'd repel other people, but enough that her motivations won't always make sense to a logical mind.

 

[Chibae]

hm, dunno how you mean about making logical sense. Well she has been alive longer than any human has. But she has seen more good in people than the bad, She doesn't let that affect her judgement of people.

Just got MV will start working on this little plot ASAP :p Can't wait to get started and building my characters and the game story
[doublepost=1446501908,1445335456][/doublepost]oh here's a thought because i am going the different dimentions route, how does the main character (who is a dragon in human form) and other people like her get into the other dimention that has no dragons in it.

 

[Wiskersthefif]

I like it! However, would you like some constructive criticism?

 

[Chibae]

sure, i love criticism :)

 

[Wiskersthefif]

sure, i love criticism :)

well, first and foremost, the grammar and typos should be addressed asap, it made the story kind of hard to follow sometimes. (but you said your friend is going to get on it, so that should be fine. I would also try and avoid the "amnesiac character", I counted three of them. This character is extremely hard to write in a believable fashion, and a lot of people find them to be clichés who they have seen over and over again. I would just warn caution with these characters, they can be huge turn offs for people, and are just generally huge risks. Also, maybe you should include some physical descriptions of your characters, for instance if Flynn had some scars; it would really synergize with his persona of being a war veteran. (However you might have an idea of what you characters are going to look like, but since it is a video game; you can show what is in your head. Just make sure that things match up. Like since Flynn is a six year war veteran, he is going to be a little messed up.)

I would also suggest fleshing out your universe, try and draw the player into it. For instance, maybe there is an alloy that can absorb ambient magic and become a kind of battery. Add little things like that, make your world unique, and not just another high fantasy world. Also, have well defined themes, I couldn't really see any in your story, except for, maybe, "how far will a good leader go for their people?"

Also, Rhexx is awesome, give him a major part in the story. Maybe you can explore the themes of the cost and rewards of loyalty, and make him in love with the queen...perhaps the baby is actually his... :D

Anyways, keep it up. Story has promise.

 

[Chibae]

well, first and foremost, the grammar and typos should be addressed asap, it made the story kind of hard to follow sometimes. (but you said your friend is going to get on it, so that should be fine. I would also try and avoid the "amnesiac character", I counted three of them. This character is extremely hard to write in a believable fashion, and a lot of people find them to be clichés who they have seen over and over again. I would just warn caution with these characters, they can be huge turn offs for people, and are just generally huge risks. Also, maybe you should include some physical descriptions of your characters, for instance if Flynn had some scars; it would really synergize with his persona of being a war veteran. (However you might have an idea of what you characters are going to look like, but since it is a video game; you can show what is in your head. Just make sure that things match up. Like since Flynn is a six year war veteran, he is going to be a little messed up.)

I would also suggest fleshing out your universe, try and draw the player into it. For instance, maybe there is an alloy that can absorb ambient magic and become a kind of battery. Add little things like that, make your world unique, and not just another high fantasy world. Also, have well defined themes, I couldn't really see any in your story, except for, maybe, "how far will a good leader go for their people?"

Also, Rhexx is awesome, give him a major part in the story. Maybe you can explore the themes of the cost and rewards of loyalty, and make him in love with the queen...perhaps the baby is actually his... :D

Anyways, keep it up. Story has promise.

I can't have Rhexx be in love with the queen, because there is something that happens later, which makes the story even more heart breaking.

I will flesh out the universe more and add more physical descriptions of the characters. I do have MV so they now have pictures, I just havent had time to upload them XD

Thanks for the Criticism I will make it better and longer :)
[doublepost=1446773804,1446661732][/doublepost]Added some new characters


Linuz
Age: ???
Race: ???
Gender: Male
Description: Linuz is the son of Elise from a different Time, Him and Fergal is very great friends. They came to the past as something in that time occurs that caused their world into chaos. Unknown to them any information they say about their future may cause them not to exist. exist.

Fergal
Age: ???
Race: ???
Gender: Male
Description: Fergal is King Farrell and Queen Kiya's Son from a different time. He came with linuz to this time to stop the chaos was occurring. He is the current king in his time, he is the youngest king, due to the fact his parents were killed by an unknown enemy.

 

[Zebestian]

I would also try and avoid the "amnesiac character", I counted three of them. This character is extremely hard to write in a believable fashion, and a lot of people find them to be clichés who they have seen over and over again. I would just warn caution with these characters, they can be huge turn offs for people, and are just generally huge risks.

I agree there. Amnesia is a hard concept if you want to make it believable. There's not that many examples out there of games with well-made amnesiac characters. "Lost Odyssey" comes to mind - but that's about it. Every other game I played that had amnesiacs treated it in a more superficial way, just to have a reason to keep the plot going. You're gonna be careful with that. :)

 

[Chibae]

Yeah I might not go the amnesiac route, maybe will probably go the they know about their past and try and keep their real identity a secret from the humans, but then they slowly have to team up to defeat the Villain of the game :)

 

[Wiskersthefif]

Yeah I might not go the amnesiac route, maybe will probably go the they know about their past and try and keep their real identity a secret from the humans, but then they slowly have to team up to defeat the Villain of the game :)

I think that is an excellent idea, you can build trust between characters. Makes them more relatable to whoever is playing the game.